"OLD DRINKS / OLD SMOKE"

Two items selected from old issues of Cosmic Debris.

Read 'em n' Weep

issue #12 - Cosmic Debris Musicians Magazine - Dec '94
by barry newman

From The Nova Scotia Liquor Commission Price List for May 3rd, 1965

 Moosehead Pale Ale (pints): $2.76 doz
Olands Export Ale (cans): $2.88 doz
Carlings Black Label (pts): $3.12 doz
Guinness Stout (pints): $4.44 doz
Smirnoff Vodka (mickey): $2.62+.13 tax
Hennessys Cognac (bottle): $7.86+.39 tax
Tangueray Dry Gin (26'er): $5.00+.25 tax
Lamb's Navy Rum (26'er): $4.52+.23 tax
Johnny Walker Red (26'er): $5.71+.29 tax
Canadian Club (26): $5.71+.29 tax
Tia Maria (26): $5.48+.27 tax
Bristol Cream (26): $5.32+.28 tax
Chateau Gai Sauterne (26): $1.05+.05 tax
Paarl Muscatel (26): $1.43+.07 tax

JUST WHAT YOU NEED !

issue #11 - Cosmic Debris Musicians Magazine - Nov '94
- by barry newman -

A huge detention camp has been set up near Great Slave Lake in the Northwest Territories. Established early in 1990, in conjunction with anti-smoking bylaws back east, security is rigorously enforced and only a handful of escapees have been able to relate the living conditions to the media and the outside world. COSMIC DEBRIS has been fortunate to have interviewed some of the first escapees:
CD: "When were you taken to this camp?
IRMA: "In 91. I had a bad case of bronchitis. My doctor in Windsor told me about this smoker's clinic near Winnipeg. I figured it was a wise move. The session was fully covered by Medical and was supposed to last for two weeks. My boyfriend agreed to look after my kids while I was away. It seemed like a good idea.
CD: "What went wrong?
IRMA: "A military cargo plane took about 200 of us onboard. The uniformed men wore balaklavas ...they weren't regular military. Once we were all aboard they used stun prods and beat on those who refused to part with their suitcases or packsacks. It was a numbing experience. I realized that something was dreadfully wrong.
BARNEY: "Yeah ...I was on that same flight. As the plane lifted from the runway, they couldn't shut the cargo door, cause this guy had tried to escape. His body was wedged in the cargo door. He was yellin' for help. They kicked at his body til he fell out of the plane. This was very scary stuff!
CD: "Didn't you even try to help?
WARREN: "Get a life! These turkeys were sprayin' everyone with pepper gas if they even moved. They had masks on. This was the end of the world, man ...and these guys were well-paid to make it happen.
CD: "How did you become involved in this bizarre situation?
WARREN: "I worked in Ottawa with Vital Statistics. Most of us in the office smoked. During the winter, we had a storage room fixed with a heater and a coffee machine for our smoke breaks. Someone ratted on us and all these CSIS guys with OUZI's smashed into the room. We were only smoking cigarettes man, but they treated us like we were big time drug dealers or something. We were kept there til 5:pm so the other staff wouldn't see us being herded to the paddy wagon. The janitors saw us. Maybe they were too scared to say anything; or maybe they were CSIS too!
CD: "What happened... when you arrived at this camp near Yellowknife?
IRMA: "We were stripped-searched. They had female guards. I asked one of them to help me. She said she was only trying to help me quit smoking ...she must have been insane, or very highly-paid.
WARREN: "You couldn't reason with anyone who had authority. We were cigarette smokers, man. We had no rights. I was stripped and my clothes were thrown into a burn pile. I was sprayed with some kind of chemical and sent marching naked to a barracks of sort. This was mid-winter!
CD: "Weren't you allowed to phone a lawyer or write to your family?
BARNEY: "Not at all. There was one intern who promised to pass on messages to the outside world, but he was just a stoolie. This was a camp designed to remain secret, so anything could and did happen.
For an entire week once, the clinic had 3 corpses frozen on the porch which we had to walk over. They wouldn't treat anyone with colds or respiratory ailments. They said it was cigarettes and we all deserved to die for polluting the workplace. They only treated food poisoning, fractures or burns from the electric fence. Any vet clinic would have been more humane, or at least heated.
IRMA: "Rumours spread that some women inmates were being prostituted-out by the guards to the locals. I can't confirm this. A lot of us dressed like men to be safe.
CD: "Surely this is being investigated. How big is this camp?
SHANNON: "This camp is huge. There's at least 15,000 people being kept there. We've heard of an even bigger camp in Labrador! Many inmates have been officially written off as being auto fatalities in their home towns. Nobody's bothering to investigate 'cause nobody's supposed to. The Federal government has non-smoking fanatics in all key positions: coroners, undertakers, car theft gangs, vital statistics, etc. Ever see Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Donald Sutherland? It's just like that!
CD: "This is hard to believe! How did you manage to escape?
WARREN: "We're all musicians. Irma, Barney and me bribed a guard to get us a guitar and we formed a band. In November '93, we started gigging at this guard's R&R joint west of Yellowknife. They liked CCR, BTO and ROGER MILLER ...you know "King of the Road ...I ain't got no cigarettes"! They started trusting us: extra rations, guitar strings, letting us have a sip from their beers; that kinda stuff.
Last XMAS, when they had all passed out, Irma slipped a key from a guard's pocket. We hid in the back of a supply truck, then hopped out at a gas station in Hay River and made a few phone calls.
CD: "I understand that CBC or CTV won't touch your story.
WARREN: "We phoned them. Within minutes the phonebooth in this Edmonton Mall was crawling with plainclothes agents. We got away though and hid in a safehouse for a few weeks. A friend suggested we contact newspapers on the west coast.
IRMA: "COSMIC DEBRIS is the only media rag willing to touch this story.
CD: "I do have some reservations about publishing this. Will anyone believe it? Will the authorities close me down? Will my advertisers pull their ads if I print your story? COSMIC DEBRIS could be ruined!
WARREN: "Isn't that the same attitude which let Germany run amock back in '36? What about all the prisoners in the Northwest Territories?
CD: "You might be right, but I still feel that smoking should be discouraged.
IRMA: "A car driven one mile produces far more pollution than a smoker does in a year.
CD: "Shouldn't driving be discouraged then?
WARREN: "They need a scapegoat. Smokers are a self-pacified strata group who are easily targetable. Short-term profits from gasoline taxes are more lucrative. Drivers are more militant.
CD: "Is that why nicotine addicts are being targeted for elimination?
SHANNON: "Sssshhhh .... what's that noise?
... as I type this, all the windows in the house are simultaneously smashed in ... a dozen Dar Vaders with FNs and gas masks . . . . .
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